jetaimevous

 ...strumming my pain with his finger.

What's the matter...Kristina?

Kristi, Kristin...whatever your name is.

I don't know what is so incredibly wrong or, rather, why I feel so incredibly wrong. Like a dark cloud following me? But, no, that's sounds emo. It's not like that. If I had a dark veil I'd be wearing it. That is, if it wasn't my own funeral.

I hate it when I feel random like this...and I type random..like..this. 

 So, I thoroughly freaked a few of my friends out yesterday. Yeah, sorrry. I didn't even expect that many would be keeping up with my blog.

Today I guess was pretty good, but also pretty uneventful. I loved my classes today. I felt like I was super prepared and I had some great discussions while working in groups. Admittedly, the last 10 minutes of my communication class dragged on though...I knew Troy was in the cafeteria and I eagerly wanted to attack him. 

So, yeah, school was school. There was a nice freak out in the cafeteria today thanks to Demetri. I'm not sure how I feel about the whole subject. If it is an excuse to have a picnic with a cute boy...well, thennn, yeah, heck yeah! I'm all for it!

When I got home, my mother was being a total loser and started bitching at me for no reason that I can come up with. She didn't want me moving around stuff and was all like super srs about it, so, I didn't get anything moved around today. Which, suuucked. For once in my life I want to use my free-time constructively and it blows up in my face! Nice! 

All ended up turning well in the end though...I thought I would work quietly on my essay for awhile and ended up spending the afternoon trucking through it and finishing it in one day. Woo! I have everything ready to present, pretty much, maybe just another proofread and to hand it off to someone to edit for me...and I'll be good to go. 

So, as far as school goes, its pretty good. At the very beginning of the semester I was still not feeling very well because I was still under medical care, but now that it is all clearing up...and I have been able to be in class every day...things are going swimmingly. I just hope that I haven't lost a significant amount of in-class activity/quiz points already because I'm hoping for at least a 3.8 semester if not 4.0. *crosses fingers* 

Jobbing isn't going quite as easy for me. I've applied here and there and the responses I have got back are...nehh. Maybe I'm being too picky, eh, I don't know. All that matters though is I got my car paid today and I still have some money in the bank. Now that I've stopped spending my money frivolously on things that I had been wishing for, I am not going through much money at all. It's going to have to stay that way too. x.x

Friends and family...good and bad. My family has been very supportive of me in general for the past year or so. However, my mother is absolutely difficult. She often puts a damper on things and very rarely has anything positive to say to me. There is a consistent stream of negativity flowing from her to me...and perhaps everyone. Not that this is anything new, but now that I am living at home again it has become more familiar and annoying. I guess I find comfort in knowing that my parents have no real control over my decisions or actions...and that is a blessing when I compare myself to friends of mine.

To be honest, my friends have been about the same. Since the semester has started, I have gotten the chance to hang out with them more and more. However, when my private romantic relationships change my friends usually take note and begin to interact with me different. It seems many of my male friends had taken a cautious, yet deliberate stance with talking to me. A nameless one or two have been downright pushy and I've thrown them to the wayside with little care. Right now I feel better than ever in my current relationship status, however, its not as easy as I would like it to be. People either want in or they want to at least know who else is in...and that is just...mindnumbing. Yeah, I really don't get it. I keep getting texts and calls from people who haven't attempted to contact me in awhile. ...and when people address me at school they don't actually say anything other than my name...and then stare. Are they expecting me to explain myself? Too bad, I don't have to...and I will not.

I guess I feel bittersweet. Sort of numb to the outside world and I feel like I may be for awhile. Within my little bubble it is warm and those close to me can feel that, I'm sure, and that is all that matters. :)

Fucking Sundays, I hate Sundays. Nothing cool is ever going on. Reminds me of retarded Christian values as well.

Wow, I'm not in a good mood. What the hell.

I don't know why. Nothing too bad happened today, but ever since a little past noon I've been in the absolutely worst mood. Just, sour.

In the past weeks I've really rode the roller coaster or emotions, up and down, sad and happy... since yesterday though it seems I have a new trend. I feel void. I mean, I guess there is a part of me that is happy, optimistic, and looking forward to the future that is right ahead of me. However, I feel like...like my happiness is down buried deep in a box under a steel lining and I'm holding a shovel that can only dig through dirt and sand.

So, I furiously dig, the sand in my eyes and the dirt swirling around in the strong winds around me...and BING, I can go no further. I'm sitting...right fucking above it.

I'm sitting there...on cold steel, pissed...wearing my mask. I just sit there swearing and contemplating.

Do I even want to fucking be happy?
I mean, I do enough to fuck it up when I am.

Why the hell do I let anyone get to me?
Bah, I won't, I won't!

Do I care?
The truth is, I do so much that I don't anymore.

I'm just going to sit here drinking piss for lemonade until someone sells me different for a good price.

More specifically, I guess I'm pissed when people enter my life, no, not enter...BARGE into my life and insist on playing a part. Then, they just casually dwindle...they don't learn their lines and they don't show up to fucking practice. Wasting...my...time...

I hope this week turns out better than the last. As nice as I would like to think last week was, in retrospect, it was fail. I'm really going to concentrate on this whole school thing for the moment being, I guess. It is the thing that will get me through life (and distract me), if anything.

Ah, back to LJ...again! I just barely skimmed my last entry enough to know what it had been about. I was at a really rough patch, that is for sure.

I am so delighted that things are looking up.

My health is definitely improving to say the least. I am slowly being tapered off of Effexor now because of the poor side effects it was giving me. I was feeling sweaty and hot and incredibly fevering during all times of day...and my temperature was actually lower than normal, weird! When I told my doctor she said to me 'Eh, you're a bit young for young flashes, eh? ;)' and I agreed.

If I know one thing...it is that I am most definitely not ready for menopause. ;3

Admittedly, for the moment things still aren't as rosey as they should be, but they are miles better than they have been for a long time. I feel itchy & light headed right now. The back of my throat feels scratchy on the right side & I am often feeling tired...napping at any time possible.

Well, work has been good and bad and progressively getting better as I will be working less as the new Fall semester is rolling around.

So much has happened in the past month, it might have been the worst month of my life matter-of-fact.

Sick, sick, death, hurt, ER, tears, death again...March sucked and April hasn't been any better.

Right now, I don't even know how I found my LJ...how I logged in...I can't remember. I'm just typing.

I'm furious. I've never felt so alive though. All that medication...with all that weight. Weighed me down, yes it did. I couldn't feel a damn thing.

But now I do...it's fury. I want to choke someone. I want to cry, but I'm too angry to cry. I'm too tired to cry. Today was supposed to be a great day, I had it off and I was off of school early. I felt like shit earlier and it just got worse. Thank you, cruel world and its shitty inhabitants.

I don't want to believe in the good of humanity right now. It's evil, so evil. I don't know if I will ever change my mind.
Never relax. I'm not forgiving, I want to be pissed off, I want to be mean. Everyone else is...all the time...or so it seems.

How could someone so pathetic, make me feel so low? What a wimp, a pansy. Why do I try? Why am I going to be a nurse?
I'm there to help the sick. But, out of those sick, how many are their because of their own accord? How many of them are going to make a change? How many of them are going to use me and abuse me for all its worth?

You want to sleep? *I* want to get some fucking sleep, you bastard. I want a peaceful nights fucking sleep for once. I feel ashamed for what I wrote so far. Disgusted even. There's no way I could be like him or the general population. I'm not some maggot, I'm not going to feed off of death or negativity.

I don't know how I'll get peace. I don't know how I'll sleep through the night. I may never again now that I've seen how terrible this world is. But, I'll stay awake, I'll never relax, and I'll live my shitty ass life knowing that I lived my life...and not others.

--

My skin is bruised. I'm broken. My eyes are darkened. I look like a corpse.

I'll walk over to my bedroom in a minute and lie on my bed. I wont put a sheet on it. I'll lie on it just the way it is. I'll pull my blanket up to my face.

I'll look up, I'll look around...I'll look out the window and up at the streetlight. It's so dark, but the light in my head is as bright as ever.

I'll turn over, uncomfortable. Uncomfortable in bed and uncomfortable in my very own skin. Only grateful that I can't see anything; that I can see how frail I look in some places and how thick I am in others. So grateful that I can't see myself.

Eventually my mind commits suicide, it races so fast...and I begin to think about how I'll take care of everything. Suicide is sudden it shuts down.

I wake up, I'm not dead? I feel dead. I can see now. I can see how dead I look. I poke at my bruises lightly...I feel pain. I grab at my chest...nothing hurts out here more than it does in there. I grit my teeth and the single tear evaporates. How much longer can I lie here? Doing nothing...waiting for my mind to kick in...trying to relax...   ...not long enough.

Routines are the bane of my existence. I run my fingers through my hair, its short...I try to push it out of my face..does it look better that way? Nope. This way? Nope. No use. I  brush my teeth, imperfect. I poke at the redness at my face...do I have time to cover that up? I'll try. But at what cost? I'll be late, I'll be fake, bahh, who cares..I'll make it in time.

I'm late again. Gahh.

I'm sitting there, thinking, what do I have to get done? I have a test. I have to work today...no time.. No time...

I'm going through the motions. I think about my welfare. People are nice to me. Why do they like me? What do they want? I look..alright. I'm humble enough. But, what is it? I'll never know.

Mind is still racing...what do I have to get done? What have I not finished? I don't want to go to work. That test is going to be hard. These clothes are uncomfortable. My foot is falling asleep. I feel so lethargic. I'm hungry, but I don't want to eat. I want to eat..but I'm not hungry.

I drift off to somewhere. Is it my mind..?
Wait, am I really here? Can they see me? Could they hear me? If I slit my throat, would they notice? Who cares if they would care, of course, they wouldn't, not after the surprise is over. Not after the gossip is over. But, oh, this is nonsense, I'm not really here anyway.

My legs hurt, I feel like I'm shutting down. I want to rest. I'll waste my time online, who sent me a message? Who's talking to me? I love these people. I love Mark, I love Chris. Steve is calling, he says he loves me. I'm so bitter, they're so nice. They say nice things, I smile...and I think about how I want to die. How I wish I could say I imagined them all because I never want to say goodbye..to any of them.

I'm here now, I'm typing...and tears slide down behind my glasses. I feel sick and I feel tired, but I'm scared to go to bed. I'm so scared. I don't want to repeat this tomorrow, please let tomorrow be different...  It wont be different. It's going to be the same. I was so scared to die in that emergency room...but I had already died a long time ago. It was before I lived.

My doctor smiled at me. She asked me if I was dangerous to myself.

Not quite flapping around in the kiddie pool and not drowning in the deep-end, I'm just wading around in the shallow waters.

I know it seems like I've been at a lost for words for months, but the truth is that I've been keeping a journal in the form of scribblings to myself all this time. That and I've kept a lot of written entries to myself...but now, I guess with the fresh burst of winter, I feel the need to be an open book again.

I don't know to whom I speak to when I write these entries...or who people are speaking to when they write their own memoirs. I guess I'm speaking to you. You who reads me, you who cares. But, why do you care? Are you looking to reinforce negative feelings towards me or are you looking to know me better? Either way, I would hope that you would directly speak with me. But, until you get the chance to, enjoy.

-

So, even though it is absolutely freezing outside, I picture myself (again) in those nice shallow waters. Can you picture it? A nice blue green tone on top of a sandy beach at that only-too-perfect humid temperature. That is the place where my mind is right now. I've been experiencing so much less stress of the mind from a few changes in my life and it is absolutely fabulous. 

Here are the things that are going so well:
-I'm barely in debt. All Americans are in debt and so am I, but I like keeping mine minimal. I've paid off all but a small sum on my credit cards and moved back in with my parents. I've cut down on extras that I'm asking my parents for and that has left them with less to nag at me for. This includes getting my own phone with a nice prepaid plan, no surprises is a good thing. ;)
-I'm using my planner, really. I've been writing things in it AND actually doing them.
-I had my best-ever Christmas with amazing family and friends and family-friends and pets.
-Following a very precise cleansing routine & embracing femininity through my makeup collection. ;3
-I've purged the negative people out of my life.
-I cleaned and organized my living space. I'm thinking this single thing made the biggest impact of my improvement.

I'm excited about all of these new changes. Unfortunately though, life will always try to get you down. I've been struggling a lot with things that are pretty much out of my control. The weather has been reallly funky. I've been really sick on and off. Work has been absolute hell (will expand). The worst car troubles I have EVER had. Annnd, school started as of...TODAY!

I'm trucking through all that negativity and my sickness though...not focusing on the difficulty of it all, but the outcome (more accurately, how great I will feel after I just go ahead and get things done). I'm bringing my best this semester at school with an aim to higher my GPA drastically. Work is going to have to take a backseat to my education and health.

Things are most definitely looking up. I'm not quite lax on cloud nine yet, but I'm sitting happy on cloud 6 & 1/2 waiting for that next train.

So, as I logged into my LJ today to post an entry it tells me that it has been 70+ months since my last entry. Wow. Has it really been that long? I know that I'm terrible with keeping track of time, but sometimes it seems like things that happened five years ago were just yesterday... Looking back at this blog a bit and realizing how much time realistically has passed has been more than a wake up call for me. This past November I turned twenty. I must admit that it's been hard to give up my 'teens'. It was a title I've gotten used to for five years, ever since I was thirteen, again...wow. I believe this and the start of a new year means lots of changes for me. I really need to take more responsibility for my actions and in turn...act responsibly. ;) I know that I depend on people too much-- and I need to let go of that. So far my changes have all been very practical and well worth the effort. In the past month alone I have debated over my own spiritual destiny and finally I won my own battle. I have found my purpose in life (caring for everyone and anyone) and I do plan to keep very true to that. With that said I don't need an intrusive God in my life, only the purest form of religion, love. I have run into a few snags as well, unfortunately. School has been a bit harder than I am used to lately due to the unusual amount of stress I am under. I have been unpleasantly ill and missing school has been no fun. My relationships with friends have been a bit draining, but I'm really trying to hang in there.

The one thing that keeps me going is my boyfriend, Matt Jordan. MJ is amazing beyond belief. I couldn't ask for anyone to be more understanding of me and my situation. I know that I have dragged myself for nineteen years before him to get where I am today. I was never meant to live in middle-class society in my situation and was NEVER expected to go to college. I do give myself credit for making it this far and for finding love in the world after it has been so cruel to me. However, I recently was at the end of my rope. A young girl can only keep her head up for so long without being cared for. That is where Matt came into my life. Most people don't know the story, but it is one that I will never forget. I chose one person at random to try to help before I would take my own life...and he was the one I chose. He seemed so unhappy himself..I had never found any other purpose in life besides trying to make others happy. It was my plan that I would help this boy and then go on with what I had planned. After what seemed like a long trial, I found out that he was only looking for care himself...for an answer and for love. He gave me the ONE piece of my puzzle that was missing--and, boy, was it something to live for. Without Matt I would have barely made it to my twentieth birthday and so I am forever in debt to him. I still find life a bit tough dragging myself out of the pit of Hell that I used to live in and so I struggle, but I'm really making the best of it.

There has been a lot of question as to where I have been lately and what I've been up to. This was all part of it, to say the least. I have been mentally drained, dizzy on medication, stressed to the maxed, and, now, feeling physically sick (with a cold, perhaps even the flu, who knows). Rest assured I have hardly forgotten about anyone or have had any loss in feelings...I've ONLY been thinking about how grateful I am for those in my life and how much I love them. It's been wicked awesome getting to hang out with friends for the past couple of days. So much fun. Having Mark back in my life has also made a huge difference. I had missed him so very much. He is still as stubborn as ever, but he's coming around, kindasorta, maybe, definitely, okay--probably not.

So, is that a short snapshot of what I've become since my last entry here or what? Uhh, other big things: I'm taller, obviously older, in college for culinary arts/nutrition at Kirkwood, more physically active, living at home, completely faithful to THE [undisputed] best boyfriend, unemployed, [somewhat] matured, Maplestory addict, weeaboo animu lover, sister to 4 pets, pseudo-daughter, and lover of awesome bars. :3

If you're looking for me you won't find me here, sorry.
I used to love LJ, but..meh.
I'm addicted to myspace now & do keep my blogs pretty up-to-date there if you'd like to check me out. (:

http://www.myspace.com/krissypwns

I'm BACK :3

<3 Krissy

Well, life is certainly...uhm...different?

I've started college. It's TRES tiring. It's not even 11 and my eyes are practically closing on me. Plus, I took a long nap earlier. Still tired though.

So, I finally started driving. I've had my license for,like, a week now? I'm not doing TOO bad. *cough* It's so...boring. I love having the freedom though. I love being able to go anywhere I want, whenever I want. This could be a bad thing.

My college schedule...it fucking sucks. Really. MWF I have a 2 1/2 hour break just between my only two classes. Then on TT I have NO breaks all day. Double the classes (4) with just 10 minutes in-between. Yea, you can bet your bottom I'll be scheduling early next semester.

And yea...I'm still tired. I feel really weak too. It sucks.

And everything is too expensive. The food, the books, the gas...though, the money is rolling in. w00.

And I won't talk about my personal, super sexual life y'know...but, it's a beautiful thing. Emmmh.

Oh, and I hate computers now. I barely get on. Not even Neopets. =0

And my new cellphone is coming in. Finally.

Oooh, and tomorrow is going to be a good day. It's a Friday. I'm going to Houma. La de daa. I think I'll go to Sicily's. I like Sicily's. Well, actually I have a horrible memory there. Truly horrific. Okay, so maybe it was the most nightmarish date,like, ever. It's my favorite place now though.

Okay, stopping now. <3

Stolen from jimidragon

All comments screened...so answers are private. =)

01. Tell me something obvious about yourself.
02. Tell me something about yourself that I don't know.
03. What is your biggest fear?
04. Do you normally take the safe route or the shortcut?
05. What is the one thing you want the most that you can't buy with money?
06. What is your most treasured possession?
07. What is the one thing you hate most about yourself that you do the most often?
08. Tell me something about you sexually that I don't know.
09. Tell me something about you sexually that everybody knows.
10. What is your favorite lie to tell?
11. Name something you have done once that you can't wait to do again.
12. Are you the jealous type?
13. What is the one person, place or thing that you can never say 'no' to?
14. What is the nicest thing someone has ever done for you?
15. If you could do something crazy right now, what would it be?
16. When was the last time you cried?
17. When was the last time you felt so good that nothing else mattered?
18. Do you feel comfortable in public with no shirt on?
19. Name something embarrassing you did while drunk/high/whatever.
20. If you post this in your journal, do you want me to answer it?

July 25th, 2005 - I declare this to be the bravest day of my life.

My head is in severe pain, but it's clear. My last entry was finally sorted out.

All my questions...answered.

Severe heartache...all for the better.

I'm finally free.

Today, I travel back home to Louisiana.

I don't even know where to start.

For one, tomorrow I go back home to ol' Louisiana.
Interesting times ahead.
Starting at Nicholls.
Have no clue relationshipwise wtf is going to happen to me...
this is going to be a rant for me. =/

...not against anyone or anything really. I'm just so frustrated with myself.


My eyes are wanting to cry so bad right now that the tears are hurting to come out. Y'know the feeling? Urrgh.

I'm young...I want to meet people...nice people. All my past crushes are coming back to haunt me...I thought about EVERY one of them yesterday and why I liked them and what went wrong...what happened(or in some cases what did not happen). Wow. I suck. Really bad. =/

There is one person I like. He is sweet. He's just SO unreachable though. It's the worst feeling I've ever had. It just f'ing rips me up to pieces inside. Maybe now I know how other people have felt in some situations. (I feel so heartless because of that. But could I really help it? Yea, I guess I could -.-) Anyway, GAH.

I'm so SICK of myself. How could I do this? How could I lead myself to the unreachable? I somewhat blame it on him for being so sweet. He sounded so...there. He sounded like he wanted to be touched by me (not in the dirty sense). But, I feel like I was wrong. The worst thing is that I don't know for sure. He is very quiet so I can't even figure it out.

I don't know if he secretly hates me and is just being polite.
I don't know if he secretly thinks I'm psycho because I keep saying things I don't mean to.
I don't know if when he says flirty things if he means them. I don't think so though.
I don't know if he likes me and just can't tell me.
Gah, I don't fucking know anything. This is what just,y'know,kills me.

I feel like I can't stop trying until I know for sure what he's thinking.
And I don't think I ever will. =/ Why can't he just say he hates me? Why can't he just break my heart? Why can't he tell me he JUST wants to be friends? This is SO much worse.

I have to deal with him everyday regardless...because he is somewhat bound to me through uhm...ways. If that makes sense at all...so I talk to him every day not knowing.
It's a slow death...a quite slow and painful one.

I hate to sound so dramatic, but this has been killing me for quite some time. =/

I hate being on the opposite end of things for once. I really do. Now I do understand.

DUN DUN DUN

May I present to you...the glass doorknob.

I thought it was cute.

Name 3 things that are in/part of my house and I'll take a picture of them for you.
Remember, I'm in NY.

Your dating personality profile: Intellectual - You consider your mind amongst your assets. Learning is not a chore but a constant search after wisdom and knowledge. You value education and rationality. Outgoing - You can liven up any party. You've got a way with people and have little difficulty charming your dates. Big-Hearted - You are a kind and caring person. Your warmth is inviting, and your heart is a wellspring of love.

Your date match profile: Intellectual - You seek out intelligence. Idle chit-chat is not what you are after. You prefer your date who can stimulate your mind. Adventurous - You are looking for someone who is willing to try new things and experience life to its fullest. You need a companion who encourages you to take risks and do exciting things. Outgoing - Shy and timid people are not who you are after. You need someone with a vibrant personality to breathe life into a relationship.

Your Top Ten Traits 1. Intellectual 2. Outgoing 3. Big-Hearted 4. Liberal 5. Adventurous 6. Sensual 7. Romantic 8. Funny 9. Practical 10. Wealthy/Ambitious

Your Top Ten Match Traits 1. Intellectual 2. Adventurous 3. Outgoing 4. Big-Hearted 5. Sensual 6. Athletic 7. Romantic 8. Practical 9. Funny 10. Wealthy/Ambitious

Take the Online Dating Profile Quiz at Dating Diversions

Lately I've been neglecting LJ...simply put...it sucks though.

I got a myspace so I won't come here much. I'll probably just copy and paste my myspace blogs here.

If you have a myspace you can add me by going here http://www.myspace.com/12917403.

Starting now. :)

So...I've been traveling too much lately.

Went to New York...then came to Hawaii for two weeks. I still have a little more than a week left in Hawaii. It's been exhausting. My first four days I stayed at the beach house with my family. It was nice. I actually got into a bikini and went body surfing. Body surfing was so much fun..omg. I'm still a little banged up though. It was so nice to actually get sun though.

I've been staying at both of my aunties' places. I feel so relaxed too.

So far I've been to the bishop museum..which included a robotic reptiles exhibit which I found to be hilarious. I skipped out on seeing Pearl Harbor. Tomorrow I'm going to Sea Life Park..but I decided not to swim with the dolphins. Swimming with dolphins is so over the top.

I've been splurging lately. At the beach house I didn't spend anything..but now that I'm out. Urrgh. I bought 3 cd's to start off my collection. I bought a pair of Heely's today for $104. And I found out I can't skate in them yet. I see it taking awhile.

I'm still confused as ever. I have no idea what I'm doing. My college life isn't quite set up yet. My personal life is retarded. I have Joey, but I don't have him. Waiting to see when I go back how much he is going to have changed...hmph. I have no clue what I'm doing and I friggin hate it. Austin loves me to death. Josh broke up with his girlfriend and is buggerin me now. But do I see anything happening along? Eh. I have my mind set and no one knows.


For the most part I've just been crusing. I'm a bit worried about how everything is going to work out...but I'm optimistic.